Men are back, baby!
Not just any old men, either: mega MAGA manly men with testosterone mixed with crypto cash oozing out of every orifice.
After years of chicks lording it over us (one of them even calling herself “Vice President” of the United States), ridiculing our gun fetishes, and dissing our deep-felt need to shoot stuff, this is exactly what the country needs.
And in case there’s any confusion, this nation now declares there are two genders and two genders only: men and girls.
Former Left Coast types like billionaire Mark Zuckerburg now say American corporate culture must embrace aggression and revel in “masculine energy.”
As you recall, Zuck used to be one of those weedy Gamma males (he couldn’t make Beta-status), ignored by hot girls and ridiculed by Alphas at Harvard.
Well, no más. He bulked up during the pandemic, rocking bigtime masculine energy — indeed, so much masculine energy, fellow nerdster Elon Musk challenged him to a cage fight at the Roman Colosseum.
Unfortunately, this awesome bout never materialized. Musk says Zuck “declined;” Zuck hinted at scheduling problems.
In any case, they’re buds again, or at least cordial fellow oligarchs.
As for Musk, his Big-D energy rules. He’s cock-a-hoop (as it were) that his little friend Donald Trump is back in the White House while the “handsome” and “nice” Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau is out, and in Germany, AfD, Musk’s fave white supremacists, are singing,“We’re marching to a faster pace — look out, here comes the master race!”
As President Musk says, “Masculinity is making a comeback. Great men are rising.”
Rising like rockets headed to Mars!
The butching-up of New College
Here in the Great State of Florida which, if you look at a map, looks appropriately phallic, manliness flourishes like tumescent mushrooms after a hard rain.
Our super-manly governor is muscling in on Florida’s so-called “institutions of higher education,” which have for too long been dominated by female students and professors teaching Virginia Woolf instead of Ernest Hemingway and refusing to acknowledge this country was built by white Christian tough guys like Andrew Jackson, Gen. George Armstrong Custer, and John Wayne.
Females have been running amok over the last hundred-odd years, wearing trousers, voicing their opinions, asserting their bodily autonomy, even voting.
Worst of all, they insist on going to college.
Ron DeSantis has already tamed the once girl-and-gay friendly New College of Florida, appointing trustees like Christopher Rufo, who warns too many women cause “all sorts of cultural problems,” turning universities into “social justice ghettos.”
The solution to this abhorrent feminization? Affirmative action for long discriminated-against white guys.
It was easy: New College simply lowered academic standards and admitted a bunch of baseball players.
Now the governor has turned his attention to the University of West Florida, appointing a new board member, a right-thinking fellow from Boise State U., where men are men and the football field is a strong, masculine blue.
Feminism, says Prof. Scott Yenor, ruins everything, causing women to be “medicated, meddlesome and quarrelsome.”
Scott Yenor assures us we should not want females pursuing degrees in manly subjects like science or becoming attorneys: “every effort must be made not to recruit women into engineering, but rather to recruit and demand more of men who become engineers. Ditto for med school and the law.”
Maybe those Taliban dudes have a point.
Over-educated, under-loved
We can’t have “independent women” running around becoming professionals. Yenor warns, “If we want a great nation, we should be preparing young women to become mothers.”
The girls at UWF will love how this simplifies matters for them.
They have one job, and that job is babies.
Ron DeSantis says he was “not familiar” with Prof. Yenor’s remarks, but the gov is such a modest fellow: He also refused to take credit for that genius plan to build resorts, motels, pickleball courts, parking lots, golf courses, clubhouses, and other super-fun things in our state parks which, face it, are pretty boring, what with them being nothing but “nature.”
The only “nature” manly men should concern themselves with is impregnating anything with a functioning uterus.
Take President Musk: He’s got 12 children and says he wants many, many more.
He even generously offered some of his magisterial boy-juice to “give” a kid to that unsuccessful, unhappy spinster Taylor Swift.`
Florida’s own Matt Gaetz, unjustly hounded out of Congress merely for enjoying the company of young ladies whom he compensated for their time, concurs.
“Over-educated, under-loved” women asserting their independence and protesting in favor of reproductive rights, need a good, strong husband to free them from a life of “lonely microwave dinners” with their cat.
If the ladies stay home making dinner for their husbands, changing diapers, and cleaning up baby vomit, they won’t have time to fool with a career.
Nothing gay about it
Naturally, women have to be acceptable to men — a manly man won’t take any old female. She needs a beach babe body and a compliant attitude.
Good looks are essential in MAGAmerica. OK, maybe not for Zuck, Bezos, and President Musk: Money trumps ugly.
Matt Gaetz, who’s rich, but not as rich as those oligarchs, knows he needs to maintain his boyish beauty. Word on the street is he’s availed himself of that miracle of modern science, Botox.
There’s nothing unmanly about braving a few needles to plump up the skin and get what’s known in the cosmetic dermatology trade as that irresistible “Spock Eye.”
This is NOT GAY.
And, since the gentlemen go to all that trouble to be attractive, shouldn’t the feminists work a little harder?
As Gaetz points out, if you’re one of those “5′ 2″, 350 pound” chicks who “looks like a thumb,” you’ll never find a guy and you’ll never have to worry about getting pregnant and so why don’t you shut up about abortion?
He says this with love, you see; he understands women, especially young women — very young women.
Embracing the patriarchy
The patriarchy gets a bad rap these days, but here in Florida we embrace it and then go make it a sandwich.
U.S. Rep. Byron Donalds, eyeballing the 2026 Florida governor’s race, knows who his daddy is, and that daddy is Donald Trump.
Interviewed by Fox “News” the day before the Inauguration, Donalds waxed rhapsodic: “When Americans see deportations or repatriations happen, they’re gonna be like, ‘Thank you,’” adding “Daddy’s back!”
I’m sure President Musk’s friend Donald Trump loves it when one of his boys calls him “Daddy.”
So cute!
Of course, everybody’s calling him Daddy now: Lauren Boebert, Kid Rock, and Tucker Carlson, who imagined Daddy spanking “bad little girl” Kamala Harris.
There’s even an awesome new song called “Daddy’s Home” by the blindingly white rapper Tom MacDonald and special musical guest Roseanne Barr in which they holler: “We won, you mad, it’s done, too bad, boo-hoo, so sad, now your daddy’s home.”
America is full-on masculine again: guns, boots, trucks, well-done 48 oz. steaks, bad beer, misogyny, rage, violence, imperialism.
If you sass him, well, Daddy’s got a big belt and he’s not afraid to use it.
YOU MAKE OUR WORK POSSIBLE.
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